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15 of the Unsexiest Moments from the Sexiest Celebrity Sex Tapes

Have fun getting it up after this.

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Zoe Saldana Had ‘Super-Ghetto’ Sex on the New York Subway, Is Incredibly Impressive

Please use all available doors?

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I’m Sorry James Franco, but Who Exactly Is Asking to See Your Naked Instagram Selfies?

I’d like to have a sit down discussion with them.

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Reese Witherspoon Will Teach You All You Ever Need to Know About Sex

Preach.

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Neil Patrick Harris Says Sex With Women Was ‘Awkward’

The former Doogie Howser M.D. bares it all for Rolling Stone.

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Tori Spelling Is Very Surprised to Learn That Tori Spelling Is Bad in Bed

Oh.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Sex List Is Real and Was Her Fifth Step in Alcoholics Anonymous

She was asked to admit the exact nature of her wrongs.

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Naked Zac Efron and Naked Chord Overstreet Go Head to Head To Be Your Boyfriend

Let’s help Halston Sage decide if she’s made a smart decision.

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Cameron Diaz Is Trying to Convert the World to Polyamory

I know a few guys who would be okay with that.

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Here Is Everything I Learned About Amy Schumer’s Sex Life In 140 Seconds

The more you know.

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If Given The Choice of Sex or Making Out, Mindy Kaling Would Much Rather Kiss

Chelsea Handler, however, will do no such thing.

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Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne Go Nude at the Beach, Prove They’re the Sexiest Couple Alive

Everyone knows the secret to every healthy relationship is public nudity.

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David Beckham’s New H&M Photos Prove He Can Still Get It

Tanks & trunks & speedos, oh my!

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Miranda Kerr Likes to Masturbate on Airplanes

Miranda Kerr is just like the rest of us — at least when it comes to diddling.

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Nick Cannon Bought Mariah Carey an Insane Diamond Bracelet 48 Hours After Announcing He Banged Kim Kardashian

Because nothing really makes up for admitting that you once banged a Kardashian.

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Suzanne Somers Finds Both Sex and Smoothies Equally Enjoyable at 70

I, too, often find them interchangeable.

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Medical Doctor Kristin Cavallari Has So Much to Teach You About ‘Weird’ Pregnancy Sex

Because without her, how else would you learn?

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Pamela Anderson Blames The Internet For Her Kids Knowing She Really Likes Sex

There’s more to the Internet than your sex tape, Pam. So much more.

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January Jones, Like All Humans, Wants to Have Sex with Rihanna

Also, Paul Newman.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Sex List Is Actually Just Her Scattergories Answer Sheet

If you’ve been above a rock or rock-adjacent the past few days, you’ve probably heard about Lindsay Lohan’s alle…

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