Weddings

15 of the Unsexiest Moments from the Sexiest Celebrity Sex Tapes

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As far as wedding gift etiquette goes, Ray-J may want to exercise his right to a full 365 days before needing to send a gift to ex-girlfriend Kim Kardashian and really take some time to think about what to give her and Kanye West. His current choice of present – four months worth of earnings from their sex tape – is a really, really bad idea.

As Perez Hilton first reported, Brandy’s little brother wants to give the gift of him giving it to Kim, and apparently he’s made almost $47,000 from the tape in the last four months. Excuse me, but are you kidding me? Ray-J is making over $10,000 a month for that tape? Kim, who also receives royalties from it, is making even more? Anyone who has had to suffer through the excruciating cocktease known as Kim Kardashian Superstar knows that it’s more or less five minutes of very sweaty, clothed sex, buried amidst 45 minutes of Kim applying makeup on the floor of a hotel room in Cabo San Lucas and another 45 minutes of her and then-boyfriend Ray-J doggie paddling their way through an infinity pool. This is literally the most money ever made by not fucking (and by those standards, we should all be billionaires by now).

So why do people keep watching celebrity sex tapes? If you think it’s the allure of watching impossibly beautiful people writhe around in the softest filters a non-X-Art video can offer, think again. After our incredibly careful investigation of the most ubiquitous sex tapes around, it turns out, celebrity sex tapes are legitimately one of the worst things you can watch. Don’t believe us? Scroll on at your own risk, and obviously, NSFW.

 15. Night Crawler Paris Hilton in One Night in Paris

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For anyone who hasn’t seen the Paris Hilton sex tape, it is an absolute fucking waste of time. Paris Hilton is literally the most boring lay of all time, exacerbated more so by the fact that her and ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon thought night vision was the best way to see Paris crawl through the sheets.

14. Ray-J Gets In a Few Practice Pumps

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Who is this turning on? Kim? Nah, she’s texting on her Sidekick. Me? Absolutely not.

13. Colin Farrell Channels American History X

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All told, the Colin Farrell sex tape with Nicole Narain isn’t half bad. But seeing Colin channel Edward Norton’s American History X look just brings up terrifying memories of finally understanding the phrase “curb stomping.” No thanks. Also it reminds us that he had that bald head for his role in Daredevil. Only the devil would dare you to think of that atrocity again.

12. Tonya Harding Teaches You How Not to 69

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First of all, 69-ing is terrible. Being face down in someone’s crotch is all the worse when someone is simultaneously face up. Second of all, seeing Tonya Harding fuck Jeff Gilooly, the man who broke Nancy Kerrigan’s knee, is even worse. But this rocking horse motion? The best part of oral sex is getting to just lay there. Who thought adding cardio into the mix was a good idea?

11. Ray-J Ruins Lips Forever

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Not the only set of lips he’ll ruin before this post is over.

10. Rob Lowe Jerks it Casually

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Creator of the celebrity sex tape (and my saxophone-playing dream man) Rob Lowe made arguably the best VHS recording of all time. But watching him slowly pleasure himself during? Let’s just say it extinguished all the fire in my St. Elmo.

9. Paris Hilton Casually Smokes a Tampon

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I refuse to even listen to the audio on this part of the tape to understand why, because really, can any good explanation exist for why Paris Hilton chose to smoke a wrapped tampon as part of a sex act? On the flip side, very good product placement for Tampax.

8. Ray-J and Kim Continue to Ruin Lips, Also Kissing

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This is not kissing. Please never, ever lick someone nose to chin, and then somehow inexplicably earn almost $200 grand a year for doing so.

7. Tommy Lee Shows Off His Neon Banana Hammock to Pamela Anderson

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Holy shit dude, I honestly didn’t know spandex could stretch that much.

6. Kim and Ray-J Offer a Compelling Argument Against Oral Sex

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Is mouth cardio a thing? Please let it not be a thing.

5. But It’s Even Worse to See Ray-J Watching Himself Fuck Kim

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Is she even awake at this point? Or did all the swimming and eye-makeup application really take it out of her?

4. Tonya Harding Polishes Her Pearl

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Were you as horrified as I was by the phrase “polishing the pearl”? Probably not as horrified as you were by seeing Tonya Harding actually doing it, in what appears to be her wedding dress? There are not enough head shakes in the world.

3. A Tie Between Kim Kardashian’s Sex Face and Kim Getting Banged in a Pool of her Own Sweat

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Worth noting: Kim’s sex face is eerily similar to her ubiquitous crying face on Keeping Up with the KardashiansDon’t believe me?

2. Tommy Lee Shows off His Mangina

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Tommy Lee’s mangina trick is even scarier than the one in Silence of the Lambs.

1. Verne Troyer Making Out

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While not quite sex (the rest of the video is equally horrific), nothing has scarred us more in this series than this image, permanently seared into our brains for life.