Douchebaggery

Adam Levine Is a Douchebag, an Investigative Report by Adam Levine

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Adam Levine GQ coverDouchebag. What is a douchebag?” Adam Levine asks himself during his GQ cover interview, because if there ever was a time for introspection, it’s during a man’s magazine interview. And if there ever was a man to commit to such deep self-discovery, it would be Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine. Because, despite Levine’s recent peroxide cleanse, nothing can sterilize The Voice judge’s reputation as the douchiest douchebag this side of Douchebagdonia. The internet claims him so, and apparently the singer knows and hates it. “Would it be really easy to assume that I was a douchebag?” he asks in his GQ interview, and through my Internet browser, I assume the widening of his eyes to puppy-begging proportions. I can hear his tone, whining, belligerent, clearly the victim of unfair cyber bullying. Are we not ashamed, Internet? Look what we wrought! “Definitely. 100 percent,” Adam Levine admits, and I feel ashamed, as ashamed as someone who feels shame should. “But that doesn’t mean that I am,” Adam Levine continues, defeated. I’m guilty as can be. “Or maybe I am. I don’t know.” He doesn’t. He doesn’t know because he’s read too much of his internet hype and he’s starting to believe it. He doesn’t know because even if he is Adam Levine, he can’t tell if he is a man or a douchebag of a man. Dare he even consider himself (as Salt ‘N’ Pepa would say) a mighty, mighty good man? Okay. Let’s not get too carried away. I decided to use my pull here at Famously, to let Adam Levine conduct Adam Levine’s own (not really) investigative report (his GQ interview) on himself (Adam Levine).  He seemed up for the challenge too. “Okay. So I’m gonna get really intricately self-reflective right now and ask myself the hard questions, to find out, once and for all, definitively, whether or not I’m a douchebag,” he announces (in his GQ interview). With my help, Adam Levine did some soul searching to bring us:

Adam Levine’s Three Point System to See If You Are a Douchebag

1. Adam Levine says that a lack of self-awareness makes you a douchebag

“That’s big,” he explains.

2. Adam Levine says that conceitedness makes you a douchebag

“I’m not arrogant,” he says, “I’m cocky. It’s different. Cocky is playful.” (So maybe he’s just a playful cock?)

3. Adam Levine says that insecurity makes you a douchebag

“Or masking deep insecurity with too much security,” Adam Levine says, “I’m confident. Some people don’t like confidence. They resent confidence.”

I should note that Adam Levine and I disagreed over this short list, but as Adam Levine pointed out to me, I promised that this would be an investigative report by Adam Levine and I am not Adam Levine. I had to concede that Adam Levine was correct. I do not “got moves like Jagger” (even if I did, I don’t think I would proclaim it so proudly to others) and I didn’t make millions on a song about fingering a girl, so I had to leave out the singer’s modelizing preferences and his remarks about fucking and yoga off the list. But now that I have these scientific parameters set up by Adam Levine, Adam Levine has agreed to see how he measures up. Through a series of inkblot tests, word games, and character references (mainly his GQ interview), we can now bring you:

How does Adam Levine Stand up to his three point douchebag system?

1. Adam Levine says that a lack of self-awareness makes you a douchebag

“Men are not as sophisticated as women,” he says. “They’re not as mature as women. They’re not as connected with their emotions as women. There’s a very Neanderthal quality that still exists in a lot of men. There’s the carnal shit you can’t deny. And if you’re in the public eye, to me, it’s very boring to say what you have to say and be media trained to the extent that you don’t ever reveal any truth. There was a time in my life when I lived probably a bit more on the primal level. And it was amazing.” (Check.)

2. Adam Levine says that conceitedness makes you a douchebag

“All of a sudden, I had money in my bank account. I hadn’t had a break in a long time. And I went a little fucking nuts. you know? And good. I deserved to go a little bit nuts. And I had the time of my life.” (Check.)

3. Adam Levine says that insecurity makes you a douchebag

“You know what the gist of this article is? Your opening line can be: ‘You don’t have to like me, but I’d prefer it if you did.’ That’s kind of how I feel. I’m not the easiest person to love right off the bat, you know. If I knew everyone in the world, they would love me. Every single last fucking one of them.” (And check.)

It looks like Adam Levine checks off each point. Conclusion? Adam Levine is indeed a douchebag. The Internet can now safely bully him to its heart’s content because his douchebag status has been verified by science and the Adam Levine point system. (Adam Levine would know too, because Adam Levine’s a douchebag.)