Cold, crisp iceberg lettuce doesn’t sound a lot like love — at least to me, carb’s number one fan — but according to comedian and food eater Aziz Ansari that’s what it was like when he found his current girlfriend. In his most recent comedy show, the Parks and Rec star set up the comparison:
“I was the guy eating Skittles and having lots of fun, and then I was like, ‘I need a nice nutritious salad’ — she’s the salad.”
Yeah, I get it. Salads are good for you, we can’t live life on bread alone, yada, yada, yada. (I’ll eat a vegetable one day.) I just think that he, virtuoso of Instagram food porn that he is, should compare his relationship to something a little sexier. So using some of his snaps from the app, I have a few suggestions:
She’s the Brick Chicken
Hear me out: Because being with her is like being grilled with a brick on top of you, but like a really sexy brick, I think? (As sexy as bricks can be I guess.) Everything’s tender and slightly crispy and mouthwatering. Okay, that mainly describes chicken, but if love isn’t like chicken, then I want no part of it.
She’s the bread
Because she’s the bread and you’re the butter, and together you guys are what life’s really all about. But mainly because it fills you up and makes you fat. Fat with a side of happiness.
She’s the barbecue
Relationships are like barbecue, actually. The barbecue smell permeates the air, like love. When you eat it, it’s messy but you want to savor all of it. When you have it, you usually want to share just how good it is with others. You can’t even get enough of it and you frankly don’t care if you’re being disgusting about it, because sucking your fingers in public is not beyond you by this point. Plus, it’s much more satisfying than boring old salad, and is therefore more like love.
Unless we consider heart health, because barbecue is not good for that. Salads are. In which case, you are correct, Aziz.